


nothing left to lose but everything i have

by thisissirius



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:35:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29497395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius/pseuds/thisissirius
Summary: SPOILERS FOR BUCK BEGINS.“Defective parts,” and Eddie feels adrift, unable to parse Buck with the idea that he’s only ever been spare parts.“That’s not on you,” Eddie says, because how could Buck think—When Buck says, “I doubt they would agree,” Eddie wants to scream. Or find the Buckleys and tell them—Buck’s everything.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 691
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	nothing left to lose but everything i have

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wafflesofdoom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/gifts).



> :)

_If that’s how you feel, you have every right to say something_.

Sometimes, Eddie needs to take his own advice.

Watching Buck’s anger, the casual way he said _hit things_ like neither of them had a personal reminder of why that was a bad idea, it hurt. Buck was suffering in ways he refused to talk about, ways that Eddie couldn’t understand.

“You can talk to me,” he says, to what might as well be a brick wall.

“You can come over,” though he knows Buck won’t.

“I don’t want to see you hurting,” that he only ever says when he’s alone.

Then.

“Defective parts,” and Eddie feels adrift, unable to parse Buck with the idea that he’s only ever been _spare parts_.

“That’s not on you,” Eddie says, because how could Buck think—

When Buck says, “I doubt they would agree,” Eddie wants to scream. Or find the Buckleys and tell them—

Buck’s everything.

Later, when Buck’s on his way to the hospital, Eddie stays behind.

He’s there when the Buckleys show up and he doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but for them to be so kind and polite is not it. Eddie leans against the balcony as they listen to kind words about Buck from those filtering through. Chim, Hen, a couple of other guys. Eddie stays silent from most of it, avoiding the looks Chim and Hen throw him.

When he thinks about just walking away—he refuses to talk to them as if everything’s normal—Margaret turns to him. “Do you—”

“Margaret,” Chim starts, because he _knows_.

“I know Buck,” Eddie says casually. “Better than anyone else in this room.”

Margaret looks taken aback, and Philip opens his mouth, but Eddie doesn’t let him get a word out.

“I’m his best friend,” Eddie continues, pushing himself up. He’s not an overly tall guy, but he knows he can look intimidating when he wants to. He doesn’t want to, he just needs them to understand. “I almost watched him die today.”

“What,” Margaret starts, pressing a hand to her mouth.

Philip looks shocked. “What happened?”

“A fire,” Eddie says calmly.

“He’s okay,” Chim says quickly, throwing Eddie a dark look.

“Yeah, he is,” Eddie agrees.

Chim shakes his head. “So why bring it up?”

“Do you think they care?” Eddie asks. There’s a silence in the room he hates. “If they cared, they’d have been here after the fire truck. After the blood clots, or the tsunami.”

“You have no idea,” Margaret starts.

“What it’s like to lose a kid?” Eddie sees the way they close down, offended, and he sighs. “No, you’re right, I don’t. But I did abandon my kid. I went to war and was treated like a hero for abandoning my kid. But you know what? I fixed it. He was six, and I _fixed_ it. I came home and I loved him and I still love him. You can tell me you love Buck,” he continues, when Philip opens his mouth, “but if Buck doesn’t feel it? I don’t give a shit, and he’s never talked about you beyond a sentence or two.”

Hen stands. “Eddie.”

“No, Hen,” he says, and wonders why he’s not angrier about this. He’s just exhausted for Buck, wonders how he’s come out the way he has with parents like this. “I’ve listened to everything he’s screamed at me,” he continues, addressing Margaret and Philip once again. “He doesn’t tell me, but I can see it anyway. And right now? He thinks he’s _defective parts_.” Again, a flinch. “Buck deserves so much better than you’ve given him.”

“We lost a son,” Margaret says, and Eddie hates the pain in her voice. He can remember too clearly Buck standing in front of him, that split second he thought he’d lost Chris for good.

Eddie nods. “You did. But you had _another son_. Buck, who I’m grateful for every day, who probably wouldn’t be here if you’d been decent parents, but I can’t even thank you for that. Because you hurt Buck, time and again. Made him think he wasn’t _good_ enough, and I can tell you from personal experience that it sucks.”

Silence.

“I love him,” Eddie says, and doesn’t care what they infer from that. “My son loves him. He’s a good parent,” he adds, because it’ll hurt and some vicious part of him wants it to. “I think he learned it from Maddie.”

Downstairs, Eddie takes a moment. Cap’s on his way back with Buck and he needs to get his shit together because Buck needs him to.

Knuckles rap on the doorframe and Eddie sighs. “I’m not sorry.”

Hen makes a noise in the back of her throat. “I didn’t expect you would be.”

They lapse into a calm silence, and Eddie breathes out, in, out. “They needed to hear it.”

“Perhaps.” Hen crosses the room, standing in front of him, but Eddie doesn’t look at her. “You’re hurting.”

"Buck needs me to be strong," Eddie says, staring down at his hands and ignoring the implication.

Hen sits opposite him, resting a hand on his knee. Eddie looks up, meets her eyes. "Who's strong for you?"

Eddie opens his mouth, closes it.

"Eddie, you're allowed help, too."

"I know," Eddie says, because he does. "I don't wanna put that on anyone."

Hen nods, and he's grateful she gets it. "I'll take it." Eddie shakes his head, but Hen's hand squeezes his leg gently. "Eddie, I'm not asking."

Eddie doesn't know what to say, feels the burning in his eyes. "Thanks, Hen."

“I know you did,” Eddie says, and means _I love you_.

Watching Buck walk away, knowing the things he’ll probably hear—

“They’re hearing more stories,” Hen assured him.

Eddie doubts that’ll distract from the things he said. Cap tells him to go home. Chim doesn’t seem to know what to say to him. Hen watches him. Eddie waits. He needs Buck to know he’s not gonna just walk out when shit’s going down in his life.

“Eddie,” Buck says, coming down the stairs. “Can I talk to you?”

“Yeah.” Eddie feels his stomach swoop, and he leads them out onto the main drive. “Buck, I—”

Buck presses a hand to Eddie’s chest and Eddie’s mouth shuts so abruptly he almost bites his tongue. There’s a quiet devastation to Buck that hurts like a knife through Eddie’s chest. “Chim just said—Maddie—I need to go and see Maddie.”

It’s not what Eddie’s expecting. “Okay.”

“Eddie,” Buck says, and he looks confused, hurt. Eddie reaches up, curls his fingers around Buck’s wrist. “She let Doug—”

“Come over later,” Eddie says quietly, before he can change his mind. “After you speak to Maddie?”

Buck hesitates. “Yeah?”

“Please,” Eddie says, and hates himself for begging. He doesn’t know how to continue, but he can see Buck needs him to. Maybe parts of him are still unsure, but Eddie thinks it’s the confusion, complete life-changing information he’s had thrown at him. “Chris will wanna see you.”

“And you?” Buck asks tentatively.

Eddie nods, decides to be honest. “Always.”

Time stretches.

Eddie doesn’t remember much of what happens between leaving the station and the key in his door. Chris is getting ready for bed, excited for Buck to come over, and Eddie closes his eyes, tries to dig for the strength he needs.

 _Call me whenever you need_ , Hen texts, just after dinner.

Buck’s not the only person who’s found family in LA.

“Hey,” Buck says quietly. “Is Chris—”

“Just getting ready for bed,” Eddie assures him. “Are you okay?”

Buck opens his mouth to answer.

“Buck,” Chris says, over whatever Buck might reveal. “You came!”

Everything about Buck changes. It’s not a front; Eddie knows Buck well enough to see. The love shining out of every part of Buck, the way he’ll always get on Christopher’s level, the affection in his expression and voice when he says, “of course I did. I always keep my promises.”

Chris comes over for a goodnight hug and kiss, and then he and Buck disappear down the hall. Eddie concentrates on breathing in and out, doesn’t know why he feels so untethered when it’s Buck’s life on a spiral. Again, time slips away from him, and he startles when a hand touches his face.

“Hey,” Buck says.

“Sorry,” Eddie says quickly, sitting up. “You shouldn’t have to—”

“I can’t handle this,” Buck says, talking quickly, “if you treat me like I’m gonna break.”

Eddie shakes his head. “I don’t think that. Buck, you’re the strongest person I know.”

Buck doesn’t seem to know what to say. He moves around Eddie’s legs, dropping onto the couch next to him. He rubs his hands on his jeans, and Eddie reaches over, takes the one closest to him and squeezes. Buck nods to himself. “I forgave them.”

“Okay,” Eddie says quietly, waiting to follow Buck’s lead.

“I thought it would be harder,” Buck continues. He smiles, but there’s nothing funny about it. “But you know why it wasn’t?”

This one Eddie does know. “You don’t care enough for it to matter.”

Buck nods, swallowing, and dragging Eddie’s hand closer, holding it against his stomach. Eddie’s glad he can be whatever Buck needs him to be. “Yeah. You always understand me. Apparently my parents know that too.”

Eddie refuses to be ashamed about it. “I hate that they’re so—they think their grief entitles them to treat you the way they have and it doesn’t.”

“Eddie—”

“I wish you’d had better,” Eddie admits carefully, meeting Buck’s eyes. “You deserve better.”

There’s a shine to Buck’s eyes, and he squeezes Eddie’s hand. “I don’t want to see them again.”

Good. “Okay.”

“I need you to—keep me straight on it, okay, because I might cave because I always you do.”

“No, you don’t,” Eddie says, shifting so that he can look at Buck properly. He leans in a little, needs Buck to understand. “You wanted to be loved, Buck, but you don’t need them for that. You have me. Us,” he amends, not because he’s ashamed, because he needs Buck to know there’s more than just Eddie for him. “All of us.”

“I know,” Buck whispers, and there’s truth in his words, his expression.

“You can do this.” Eddie nods. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

Buck uses his free hand to pull out his phone, seemingly reluctant to let go of Eddie’s had. “Can you,” he says, “delete their numbers for me?”

Eddie would do anything for Buck, and Buck knows it. This, though, he won’t do. “No,” he says, but holds tightly to Buck in case he tries to pull away. “I would do anything,” he continues, catching Buck’s gaze and holding it, “but this you need to do for yourself. I can forget them about as easily as I’ve known them, but this is yours to let go of.”

“You’ll be there?”

“Whenever you need me to be.” Eddie sees Buck’s finger hover over his phone. “It doesn’t have to be now.”

“I want it to be,” Buck says honestly, looking up. “I want to do it now, with you. Like this.”

“Alright,” Eddie allows. He watches, rubbing a thumb over Buck’s hand as Buck deletes them from his phone contacts, from his emails. He even sends a text to Maddie to let her know what he’s done. Buck puts the phone face down on the arm of the couch and Eddie says, “I’m proud of you.”

Buck sounds wrecked when he says, “Eddie.”

Eddie waits.

“I think I need a hug.”

“I said whatever you need,” Eddie says, “and I meant it.”

Buck hesitates a fraction of a second and then all but falls into Eddie. Eddie wraps his arms around Buck, tucks Buck’s head under his chin and waits for the flood. It comes slowly; a steady trembling of Buck’s body, a hand fisting into his shirt, a sob, and then tears.

“I’ve got you,” Eddie whispers gently. He brushes a kiss to the top of Buck’s head. “I’ve got you.”

Eddie doesn’t want to let go.

Buck doesn’t want him to let go.

Eddie shifts until they’re stretched out on the couch, Buck against the back, Eddie on the edge, still curled around him. They need to invest in a new couch if they’re going to keep doing this, but for now, Eddie wraps around Buck and whispers, “I’ve got you,” once more into his hair.

“I know,” Buck says gently. “You always have, Eddie.”

“Just like you’ve always got me.” Eddie knows what a gift that is, to be loved by Buck. Someone who’s had precious little love in his life. Except Maddie. Eddie whispers a private thanks for Maddie in the back of his head. Running his fingers through Buck’s hair, he swipes a thumb over Buck’s cheek, wiping away stray tears.

Buck nods, sliding a hand up Eddie’s waist, forehead pressing into the crook of Eddie’s neck. “I don’t know where to go from here.”

Eddie doesn’t either. “We’ll find out together.”

“Yeah?” Buck asks, because they both know where they’re headed, but it feels too new to break with definitions or certainties.

Leaning in, ghosting a kiss over Buck’s lips, his cheek, Eddie nods. “Yeah.”

“Okay,” Buck says, and he reaches up, fingers warm against Eddie’s neck. “Together.”


End file.
